Forming Relationships as an Adult

Starting your life over and moving to a new city can be difficult, especially when trying to form new relationships as an adult. When you’re younger, you move through school with your peers and you see them every day that it’s so easy to maintain those friendships.

But once we graduate from college, we become blindsided to the way our relationship dynamics change. We move to new cities, get new jobs that take up 40+ hours of our week. We watch our friends get married and have kids and their priorities and daily routines shift as well.

Our communication slowly becomes less frequent. No one points this out to us until we realize our friend groups become smaller and smaller, especially when we’re the ones who move away from our friends.

So where do we meet people? How do we meet people? And what are the realistic ways to grow and maintain these relationships when we’re so busy being adults all the time?

I know it’s easier said than done, but we simply have to just put ourselves out there, and be both persistent and patient.

When I moved to L.A. I told myself that I didn’t move all the way across the country to just sit in my room and wait for someone to knock on my door.

But it was still nerve wrecking at times to face the hard part: taking initiative to walk up to people and strike conversations. I did this at the gym, I did this at poetry readings, I even did it via social media with community groups in L.A. It’s been nearly a year since I moved to L.A., and it’s taken me that long just to have a small roster of friends, and those friends have introduced me to their friends.

Going up to someone can be nerve wrecking only if you don’t know what to say. But rehearsing a few lines revolving around who they are, where there from, and how long have they lived in that area, can be good conversation starters, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes, because you’re following the same string of questions. And if you’re in a place such as the gym, or a film networking event, or a poetry event, you already have something in common with that person.

Say you’ve met someone and exchanged info, now’s the part where you begin to (slowly) cultivate and grow that relationship. We’re adults now though, so most of our week is taken up by work and responsibilities. We’re not in school where we see the same faces every day and our relationships strengthen quicker. It’s going to take time now to develop a relationship and you may even see that person just once a week, or once every couple weeks, accompanied by some texting here and there. When you’re an adult as well, you’ll realize how much slower it takes to get close to someone.

Sometimes the same energy and consideration isn’t reciprocated, and that’s fine. Don’t take it to heart when people have so much on their plates these days. But those who do reach out and make an effort, even if it takes a while to respond, show that they care.

We weren’t always in positions when we were younger to approach strangers and befriend them, so the thought of it can seem nerve wrecking. But if you don’t put in the effort and strike conversations with people, you’ll be intentionally making things much harder for you.

So give yourself a goal, maybe once or twice a week, if you see someone at a cafe, or at the gym, walk up to them and strike a conversation with no expectations. If there’s no mutual energy shared, that’s fine. Smile and tell them have a nice day. If there is, then exchange contact info. “Nice meeting you, maybe sometime we could get a work out in together, here’s my number.”

I know it’s all easier said than done, but trust me, it becomes much easier over time. Everything you want in life begins with you taking initiative. Nothing will fall into your lap.